Tuesday, May 25, 2010

HCG Day 2: Lardass

I decided to try the HCG diet if only because (1) it's so totally crazy that it makes sense (kind of like when something is so ugly it comes full circle and it's cute again) and (2) a number of my friends have lost the collective weight of 2 elephants while doing it.
I was concerned I wouldn't have the extreme discipline that it takes to follow this diet successfully, but my fears have since been allayed by my own behavior for the first two days of this diet (also known as the "loading" days, or Phase 1). My job for the past 48 or so hours has been to eat as much fattening food as possible. Don't ask me to explain why because I'm just doing what I'm told here. The point is, I've been pigging out religiously and have managed to prove to myself that I do in fact have the discipline it takes to stick to the rigorous precision of this particular diet. I'm so fucking fat now that I can barely make it up the stairs, let alone fit into the stairwell, and I am actually looking forward to starving myself for the next three weeks. To cap off my 2-day gorge, I ate the fried skin of a chicken, half the chicken, a baked potato saturated in butter, cheese and sour cream, and now I am making cinnamon rolls for dessert. For health purposes I also opted for some red wine (the theory being that this will cut through the cholesterol and prevent a heart attack before I start Phase 2 tomorrow).
I'm feeling pretty upbeat about this diet and although I look like a monolith, I expect that by tomorrow at noon latest I'll be getting calls from Kate Moss's agent. My diet goal is the same as it's ever been: to look like a heroin junkie waiflike thing. Wish me luck.

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