Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A Girl's Checklist for a Hot Date Night

________ Clean the house.
________ Do the laundry.
________ While doing the laundry, select your wardrobe for the evening. Decide on something cute, somewhat revealing but only in an "accidental" sort of way.
________ Realize you should have done whites, not colors, and now you need to handwash your favorite "lucky" panties.
________ Blowdry your favorite panties while listening to loud music, dancing to it while occasionally using the blowdryer as a microphone..
________ Realize you have just accidentally browned your lucky panties with the blowdryer. Duh -- you weren't gonna wear cottons, you idiot -- polyester is flammable, remember? Decide they are still your lucky panties because it could've been much worse and you might have burned your eyebrows off.
________ Go to the kitchen and pour yourself a glass of wine to get over the trauma of the burnt panties.
________ Re-select your wardrobe for the evening based on a new set of panties.
________ Pour yourself another glass of wine to help you decide on your new wardrobe.
________ Decide on something racy, sophisicated and splashy.
________ Realize you are starting to run short of time and you haven't even showered or done your nails yet.
________ Prepare for your shower. Hang up the silk shirt in the bathroom so the moisture will straighten it out, as you no longer have time to iron it.
________ While showering, loofah your entire body, paying extra attention to your hindquarters. Scrub furiously in an attempt to increase circulation to a degree where any and all cellulite will completely rub out on the spot.
________ Shave like there's no tomorrow. Re-shape your pubic area into a perfect arrowhead.
________ Apply body oil or something fragrant and emollient to your entire body before you step out of the shower, a New Woman in body and soul.
________ Wrap yourself into your brand-new luxurious Cornflower Blue towel.
________ Curse like fuck when you realize you look like the Cookie Monster because the new towel has left blue fur all over your freshly oiled body..
________ Get back in the shower, rinse the shit off while cursing profusely..
________ Realize you have no fucking towel.
________ Tear through the house to the linen closet, get an "Old Faithful" towel, and dry off while remembering to curse profusely in an effective Turrets-Syndrome simulation.
________ Put on your outfit. Model in front of the mirror and practice assuming the body pose which is most suited to flatter your choice of clothing. Repeat to yourself "One must suffer to be beautiful", even if it's hard to say multiple times with your tummy sucked into your spine.
________ Pour one more glass of wine and consume it upside-down while simultaneously blowdrying your hair from the roots down, smoking a cigarette and rocking out to a poor choice of music.
_______ Apply hair spray, in measured amounts (don't want the hair to appear sticky when Man runs fingers through it) -- just enough to give it a spot of lift and fresh kick.
________ Use curling iron painstakingly to create a "natural", "windblown" effect, meanwhile smoking a cigarette to ease the anxiety of running ruinously late.
________ Decide you do not want to come across as a chainsmoking aging whore and apply more hairspray to mask the cigarette odor.
________ Go into an absolute panic when you realize you have sealed in the cigarette odor with the hairspray.
________ Decide that if He is Somebody, he will appreciate you for who you really are. To confirm this decision with yourself, light up another cigarette and touch up your hair with the blowdryer, meanwhile being very careful to not "pull a Michael Jackson" by igniting your hair with the combustible combo.
________ Apply make-up. To steady your nervous hand, pour another glass of wine. Crank up the radio. "Get into the Groove". Slip up with the liquid eyeliner and go into another Turrets Episode.
________ In spite of what you told yourself earlier, you are not going to risk smelling like his grandmother if and when he sticks his tongue down your throat. Gargle 1-1/2 times the recommended amount of Scope for 45 seconds while dancing seductively to '80's music. As an afterthought, swallow the lot in a desperate hope that somehow the Scope will filter into your lungs and elimate the source of the odor.
________ Dance one more time in front of the mirror while bearing your breasts in an attempt to get an objective impression of what he will see later tonight. Revise your pose to accommodate nudity. Put your hands on your thighs, shake your tits and hips and go into an agony of self-doubt. Hope that the idea of ill-lit rooms turns him on immeasurably. Realize you are absolutley drunk and can't walk so well in your favorite hooker boots. Opt for a size-down in heel length.
________ Brush your teeth.
________ Re-apply lipstick, which came off during the toothbrushing incident.
________ Acknowledge to yourself that you look like Bette Davis in her more demented moments due to a severe mis-application of lipliner.
________ Re-apply lipstick and lipliner.
________ Settle down on the couch and pretend you are calmly reading a magazine.
________ Go empty your bladder. Rejoice that you have probably just lost another pound.
________ Don't wipe; dab. Remain conscientious of the possibility that you will be getting oral sex tonight and you don't want him to catch his teeth on a piece of "TP".
________ Return to the couch.
________ Have one last Turrets Episode when you realize he's already 24 minutes late and hasn't even called.
________ When he arrives, greet him graciously, radiating obvious pleasure in his appearance. Make a feeble attempt at clever, witty and bright small-talk. Allow him to escort you to his vehicle. Have a mental Turrets Episode when you realize that in spite of your earlier downsizing, he is still shorter than you in your heels.
________ Realize you never did your nails and blame this for the disaster you see forthcoming.